


i'll be home for christmas

by summerwoodsmoke



Series: vampire au [2]
Category: Ars Paradoxica (Podcast)
Genre: Biromantic Sally, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Gen, Modern AU, Vampire AU, home for the holidays
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-23 05:23:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13183224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/summerwoodsmoke/pseuds/summerwoodsmoke
Summary: Sally hasn't seen her family in nearly two years. She wants to go home for Christmas. Donovan agrees, although he won't let her go alone.Which is how Sally ends up introducing Chet Whickman to her mother as her boyfriend.





	i'll be home for christmas

**Author's Note:**

> this takes place as part of the vampire au, where sally is turned into a vampire in 20** and ends up living in polvo, new mexico with the rest of our cast who are also all largely vampires
> 
> this particular december for sally would take place after at least chapter four of that au (which isn't published yet, but there shouldn't be any confusion)
> 
> also, i guess with this oneshot, i have established the vampire au as a timeline where gus grissom was the first man on the moon! cool!
> 
> thank you leslie and julianna for beta'ing!

As Sally approached her one year anniversary of living in Polvo, she made an appointment with Donovan. She made sure to be as polite as she possibly could be, and even refrained from calling him ‘dude’, because there was something she wanted, and they both knew only Donovan could give it to her.

"Sally," he cut into her rambling after three minutes. "Yes, I will let you go home for Christmas," and then he paused, and Sally braced herself— "On one condition."

 

* * *

 

The Grissom family farm was full to the brim and lit bright by the time Sally knocked on the front door on the evening of December 23. Nana answered the door with a hug so tight it would've hurt if she was human, and a "SALLY-GIRL!" that alerted others to her arrival.

Sally's mom was there within seconds, and Sally went into her arms willingly and stayed for a solid minute. Her mom was about a quarter inch taller than her, so they had their faces buried in each other's shoulders, and the overwhelming scents of her mom's perfume, laundry detergent, and skin were so affecting, Sally felt like crying. It had been far too long since they'd seen each other.

With a final kiss to her shoulder, her mom lifted her head and looked behind her daughter towards the door.

"Mija, who's this?" she asked. They slowly stepped out of each other's embrace and Sally turned to see her grandmother shaking hands with Chet.

She pasted on a smile, hoped it didn't look too fake, and said to her mom, "This is my boyfriend, Chet Whickman."

 

* * *

 

It was like Donovan was begging Sally to kill him at this point. The condition had been that she couldn't leave Polvo alone—by which he meant, not without protection, and not without someone who wasn't _his_. Anybody from the labs wouldn't fly, and there was no way Sally could bring Carmen or Petra—Sally couldn’t explain the Butterflies even if she tried, so. Chet it was. Boyfriend was the easiest answer, but she'd never forgive Donovan for making her have to have the 'No, Mom, I'm still ace' talk with her mother _again_. And really, ace or no, and fake or not, she wasn't the biggest fan of having to explain her romantic and sex life to her mother. It wouldn't be any of her business if she was straight, but since she wasn't, her mother (and father, to a lesser degree) had countless questions.

She'd told Chet on the flight over that she was ace. He'd at least heard of it, so that was nice. More than she expected, but he was a millennial like her, so she shouldn't have been too surprised.

"So, does that mean you never have sex?" he'd asked.

"Not with you," she'd replied instantly. Maybe a little too fast to not be rude. "I mean," she added, "In our fake relationship. We don't have sex. In case anyone asks."

He'd raised an eyebrow. "They'll ask...that?"

Sally'd sighed. "They just might."

 

* * *

 

After her mom, there was her dad and her brother, her uncle and aunt, her cousins and their kids. Chet and Sally made their way through the house, greeting as they went, dropping their luggage in the hallway and their gifts off at the tree. Chet had insisted on bringing a box of chocolates as well, 'a gift for the hostess', which Nana accepted effulgently. It was official: the Grissom family was _charmed_ by Chet Whickman.

Most of her family didn't really know she was ace, although by now they had (mostly) stopped with the 'So, when are you gonna settle down?' interrogations. The only people who knew, straight out, that she was asexual, because she had explicitly used that word, were her parents and her brother. They'd each given her some raised eyebrows as she introduced Chet, which was a little infuriating, because sure, this was the first time she'd brought someone home, but they all knew about her past boyfriends and girlfriends.

On the other hand was Chet, who Sally still thought of as a combination lifeguard, office manager, and Agent Smith. (She'd mentioned that to him once, to which he'd said, "Please don't ruin The Matrix for me. Also, I've never taken lifeguard lessons before." She'd noticed he didn't comment on the manager part.) She really hadn't been sure how well he'd be able to pull this off with her, but he was surprisingly good at it: making pleasant small talk with her family, deferring to Sally when a question was too personal and ranged into relationship territory, and not even making it obvious that he was there to watch her and make sure she didn't a) tell her family she was a vampire or b) eat them all.

The funniest part of the night was definitely when they finally reached Gramps' chair. He always got himself set up in the den and let grandchildren (and now great-grandchildren) climb all over him while he told stories from the Korean War or his NASA days.

He stood up when Sally and Chet walked in, throwing her cousin's giggling little girl Susan up in the air and catching her before letting her sit on the chair.

"Hey, Gramps," Sally said, accepting his hug. She was a few inches taller than him, not that it ever bothered him. The Grissoms weren't the tallest bunch, but they gave great hugs.

"Oh, Sally-girl, it's good to see you," he said in her ear, patting her on the back.

"It's really good to see you too, Gramps. Here," she pulled back and half-turned to Chet. "I want to introduce you to my boyfriend."

Gramps' eyebrows raised as he let Sally go. "Boyfriend, is it?"

"Yes sir, Chet Whickman, pleasure to meet you." Chet stuck out his hand to shake.

"Well then," Gramps took his hand, "The pleasure's all mine. My name's Gus."

Sally was watching Chet's face and saw the exact moment he realized it. Sally poorly hid her smirk and was sure her grandpa's face looked about the same.

Chet's gaze snapped to Sally after a few seconds of staring at Gus. "Wh-really?"

She nodded, still smirking. Gramps let go of Chet's hand and rubbed Sally's back. "You enjoy doing that too much," he admonished.

"It never gets old!" Sally said. "And the best part is, they never seem to suspect it. If I can't use your moonwalk to knock my friends' socks off, what good are you, Gramps?"

"Hey, I happen to think I make a mean artichoke dip," he replied.

"And we made cookies today!" Susan cut in from the chair behind them. "Those were good, Gramps!"

"Oh, thank you, Sooz. I'm glad you love me for more than my moonwalk."

Susan clambered out of the chair and latched herself onto Gus' leg. "Of _course_ , Gramps. You make good cookies, you give good hugs, and you throw me in the air even when Daddy and Mommy tell you not to!"

Sally was laughing. "All the important things in life." Susan nodded at her, grinning. "Hey, Chet and I brought chocolates, if you wanna go see if Nana will get you some?"

Susan's eyes lit up at that. "Okay!" she said, and was off like a shot.

"Well, if you don't mind, I think I'll go investigate for some chocolates myself," Gramps said. "Wait up, Sooz!"

Then the den was empty save for them. The crackling fire in the corner was the only noise for a few beats before Chet turned to Sally and whispered, "What on God's green earth," leaving Sally to double over with laughter.

 

* * *

 

"Do you have to like, write a report on this trip?"

"No, Sally."

"A debriefing in Donovan's office?"

"No, S—"

"'Pleased to report the subject did not eat anyone, sir. Also, she's the granddaughter of the first man on the moon, did we know that?'"

"Sally—"

"If we're not careful, Donovan might dream of putting vampires in space, next."

Chet sighed loudly and turned his head to look at Sally. "Why," was all he said, although Sally imagined the full question was, 'why are you so aggravating?'. She grinned, leaning her head on her hand.

"I get my kicks where I can."

The bedroom was dark, not even any moonlight through the window, since Nana loved her curtains (which would be a blessing in disguise for Sally in the morning). Gramps was always the one that made up the guest rooms, and he always gave everyone at least three extra blankets, which was another blessing in disguise, as this way, Chet and Sally didn't have to share a blanket _along_ with a bed. Sharing a bed was plenty weird enough.

"And your grandfather?"

Sally made a non-committal noise and flopped onto her back. Chet turned his head again so they were shoulder to shoulder and both looking at the ceiling. "When we were really little, it wasn't a big deal, y'know? It was like we assumed everybody had an astronaut grandpa. Then, when we were a bit older, Gilbert had a space phase, and he told just about anybody who would listen to him about our grandpa. He ended up getting bullied by kids a bit older than him who turned out to be in my grade, so I punched one of them and that was the end of that."

"I'm sorry," Chet interrupted, "How old were you?"

Sally shrugged. "Nine? I think? And Gil was seven or eight. Anywho—"

"You punched a kid when you were nine. What happened?"

Sally furrowed her brow. "I dunno, I had bruised knuckles for awhile? The kid had a nose bleed. I think I got suspended, and my mom was definitely furious, but as much with the bullies as she was with me."

Chet exhaled weirdly and it wasn't until she turned to look at him that Sally realized that he was laughing. Small, breathy laughs, and Sally watched his chest rise and fall, watched him cover his face with a hand.

"What?" she asked, fighting back a smile.

Chet lowered his hand and turned to face her, smiling himself. "You think you know someone," he said as way of explanation.

Sally snorted and looked to the ceiling again. " _Anyway_ , between Gil's experience, and some weird fans that found my cousins, as we got older, we just decided to stop telling people. If people figured it out, sure, we'd talk about it, but we'd never bring it up ourselves.

"It became like a game, eventually. See how long we could go without saying. And really, most people don't talk about their grandparents that often, so it could really go for a long time. But sometimes, if we were close with someone, we'd invite them over to our house if Gramps was visiting. And let them figure it out like I did with you." Sally smiled. "Bit of an odd game, but we like it."

"What about when you learned about the space race in school? Surely your teachers knew."

"Oh, yeah, definitely. But after the incident, neither of my parents were fond of the idea of me or Gil being the centre of attention. My dad would always go in and talk to my teachers about it."

"Were your grandparents ever upset about, I dunno, you hiding it, or whatever?"

Sally shook her head. "Nah. My uncle and Nana have never been NASA's biggest fans. They'll always take a chance to stick it to 'em. And Gramps is so dedicated to them, but...he sees the flaws. And he never really expected his family to be, like, celebrities. That wasn't what he was in it for. That wasn't why he went up."

Chet made a small wordless noise in reply. They lay there in silence for another minute before Sally exhaled, just to hear something.

"Goodnight, Chet. Brace yourself for tomorrow."

" _Brace_ myself?" he asked instantly. "For what?" Sally rolled over away from him, onto her side. "For what??" he asked again. Sally exhaled sleepily. "You're the worst," he muttered, and rolled over himself, putting them back to back.

 

* * *

 

Christmas Eve...went. Sally and Chet slept through breakfast—the weird 'jet lag' of going from vampire hours to human hours was still in effect—and only woke up due to incessant beeping from Jack sending an equivalent-to-4am text storm to Sally's phone.

Sally and Chet each changed facing their own corners of the room, keeping the lights off (and the curtains drawn, of course) and then Chet led the way to the kitchen, keeping watch for uncovered windows.

"Looks like the dining room's got one curtain open," Chet muttered as they got close.

Sally shrugged. "I'll sit on the dark side then."

"Morning, sleepyheads," Sally's dad said, walking past them with a mug in hand. "You missed breakfast."

"What!" Sally squawked. Nana's breakfasts were not to be missed, but also, Sally was _starving_. Although, not like _that_ , at least. Not yet.

"Oh, calm down!" Dad replied, now in the hallway. "Nana will let you help yourselves!"

Stepping past the dining room and into the kitchen, Chet and Sally immediately realized the window behind the sink would be an issue. With the lights on as well, it was hard to tell where the natural light ended and the artificial light began. Nana was washing down the stovetop and hadn't noticed them yet, at the far end of the room.

Chet touched Sally's arm lightly. "You go wait in the dining room," he said softly. "I'll get us food."

Sally glanced from Chet to Nana and back again. "You sure?"

Chet nodded. "How do you like your eggs?" he asked, a quirk on his lips.

 

* * *

 

"So how did you two meet?" asked Mom.

Sally felt her smile go plastic as she turned and met Chet's eye.

They were sitting in the living room, watching some of the kids poke around the Christmas tree with excitement. The other kids and a large chunk of the adults had gone tobogganing, which Sally had been sad to miss, but the sun was out, and at least Chet hadn't ditched her.

(That comforting thought didn't last long, once she remembered why he was there in the first place.)

She'd also been glad her mom had stayed behind, at first. Now, she kinda wanted to cut and run.

"Well," she began. "I was...swimming." Chet's head jerked the tiniest bit, small enough that her mom wouldn't notice, but enough to let her know that this was probably a bad idea. Too bad: it was too late to stop now. She'd remember not to make him a lifeguard, though. "And don't panic," she turned to face her mom, "I wouldn't have died, but it...wasn't a good swim, and I needed help. And, uh, Chet was there, and he was the one who helped me." She looked over at him, and he raised his eyebrows, smiling tightly.

"Oh, well, isn't that wonderful. I'm very glad you were there, Chet."

"Believe me, I am too, Mrs. Grissom." Chet's hand patted Sally's leg for the briefest of moments.

"Oh, no need for that, please. Call me Daniela."

Chet nodded. "Of course."

"So, Chet, are you a researcher, too?"

"Oh, uh, no, not a scientist at all, actually. It's hard to sum up my job in one word...I kind of do whatever needs doing day to day."

Mom nodded slowly. "And who decides what you do?"

"Oh, uh, the boss himself!" Sally fought down a wince. Chet didn't know it, but even without knowing him, her mom hated Donovan almost as much as she did.

"Oh?" Mom asked, her nod even slower now.

"Yep." Chet nodded back at her. "Anything the boss needs doing, I do it."

 _No kidding_ , Sally thought, and tried to make her smile a bit more real.

 

* * *

 

"I'm pretty sure my mom thinks you kill people for a living," Sally said that night, and Chet sputtered for a good thirty seconds before he could get a coherent word out.

"In what world??"

"Well, not one with vampires, obviously, but when you say you 'do whatever the boss needs you to do', it's not exactly reassuring. She already doesn't trust my boss, on the sole virtue that she hasn't seen me for almost two years."

Chet groaned.

"What's the big deal? It's not likely you'll see her again after this week, and she's not about to call the cops on you."

"I just..." Chet dug himself a bit deeper into the bed. "Iwantedtomakeagoodimpression," he muttered quietly, but Sally heard him perfectly fine.

She rolled onto her side, putting her back to Chet, in hopes that he wouldn't hear her. She was chuckling, one hand over her mouth, and since she didn't need to breathe, there was nothing stopping her, so she just had to ride it out.

"I can see your shoulders shaking," Chet said flatly.

Sally lifted her hand to reply only to snort, which made her laugh harder. Chet sighed and she rolled back over to face him, still laughing a bit.

"You're the best fake boyfriend anyone could ask for," she said through a grin.

He shook his head and let a smile grow on his face. "I'll be sure to put it on my resume."

 

* * *

 

Sally was awful at presents. It was just a fact of life, she'd always been bad at it. By now, as she approached thirty, her family was used to it, and Sally just made it her job to get them gift cards for places or things that they actually liked.

Conversely, Chet was great at gifts, because of course he was. Sally had told him one or two things about each of her family members, and he'd somehow gotten them all things they'd really like. He'd gotten Gil some baseball book, which sparked discussion between them that lasted hours. He'd gotten her dad some recipe book, since Dad was getting increasingly interested in cooking now he was retired. Her mom received a really fancy looking lavender-scented hand lotion. Nana and Gramps got handmade soaps. And on and on. He'd even gotten Sooz a My Little Pony that, somehow, _somehow_ , she didn't already own, so of course she adored it.

Sally poked Chet in the side, remembering at the last second not to put her full strength behind it. "What the heck?! How?? And when did you even get all this stuff?" she hissed at him.

"I have my ways," Chet replied under his breath. Sally wanted to wipe that stupid smirk off his face.

"Sally, I think you should just let Chet buy for both of you from now on," Gil said to chuckles around the room. Sally discreetly gave him the finger and outwardly said, "Hey, if you don't want the Five Guys gift card, I will gladly take it."

Gil held the gift card against his chest, dramatically offended. "How dare you!"

Mom was patting Chet's hand. "Don't mind them. And I'm sorry we don't have any gifts for you, especially after you had such nice things for us. My daughter excels in many things, but good communication isn't always one of them."

"Oh, thanks Mom."

"I love you, mija, but really, you could've told us you were bringing him a bit sooner. We don't have anything for him! What sort of Christmas is that."

"Well, _I_ have something for him, so calm down." Sally rose to her feet (not even using her hands, she was so smooth) and walked over to the tree.

"Oh, yeah, I'm sure Chet's gonna love the Whataburger gift card you got him," Gil called out to her. She would've flipped him off again but she was having to bite her lip to keep from laughing; she also heard a well-disguised laugh-cough from Chet across the room.

"Yeah, maybe not Whataburger," Chet said as she turned around, gift in hand. They made eye contact and in spite of herself, Sally thoroughly enjoyed the secret moment they shared in the midst of her family scattered around the living room.

"No, probably not," Sally replied as she sat down next to Chet again. "And, screw you Gil, it's not a gift card."

"Oh, my mistake, there's clearly no precedence for it."

Sally stuck out her tongue at her brother and handed Chet the wrapped box.

Sally, Gil and Daniela watched as Chet ripped open his present. Inside was a pair of green plaid pyjama pants, which he pulled out, commented, "Soft," and placed aside to see the shirt underneath: green and black, with Agent Smith's face on it.

Chet gave Sally a look and she bit her lip to keep from laughing. After a second, Chet's mouth twitched, and then they were both laughing.

"Thanks," he said dryly, folding the shirt and pants back into the box. "Can't wait to wear them."

"You're welcome," Sally replied primly. "And hey," she nudged him with her elbow lightly. "No gift for me?"

"Ahhh..." Chet glanced from her to her family. "I'll give it to you...later."

Gil laughed at that, and Nana was fighting a grin, but Sally wasn't sure that this didn't mean Chet just hadn't gotten her a gift at all. It wasn't like he had to fake it with her, right?

 

* * *

 

Okay, she was wrong. Chet _had_ gotten her a gift, _and_ he'd been right to not give to her in front of her family.

Sally was laughing so hard she had tears in her eyes, and she hadn't cried even once since she'd been turned. "When did you buy this?" she choked through her laughter.

Chet took the bottle of THC oil from her hand. "Don't drop it, geez." He leaned across Sally and placed it on her nightstand. "And I ordered it online, okay?"

Still laughing, Sally placed a hand on Chet's arm. "You think you know a person," she said.

Chet stared at her then shook his head and laughed a bit. "You aren't the only person who smokes, Sally."

Sally had cautiously asked Jack about the effects of drugs on vampires not long after she'd asked him how to make good alcoholic vampire drinks. He'd enthusiastically replied that smoking was about the same, and did she wanna share a joint with him? So, after that, both her drug and alcohol habits had been about the same as they'd been when she was a human. She just hadn't realized anybody other than Jack and Esther _knew_.

Just then, Mom yelled from the kitchen it was time to wash up for dinner. Sally wiped her eyes dry and climbed off the bed. After putting the oil in the drawer, she patted Chet's arm again.

He turned to face her, and grinning, she said, "Best Christmas gift _ever_."

 

* * *

 

Sally was zonked by the time they finally went to bed on Christmas. Sooz and her parents Rick and Meg were leaving early the next morning, so they'd stayed up to spend as much time together as possible. By the time Sally's head was on her pillow, she was already half asleep.

"Sally?"

So, of course Chet wanted to talk.

Sally jerked back to full consciousness and blinked till she could see in the dark. "What's up?"

"I just wanted to say..." Sally heard him swallow. "Uh, thank you. For-for everything, I guess, but uh, for the gift especially. I hadn't been expecting that."

Sally smiled, knowing he wouldn't be able to see it. She elbowed his arm lightly and said, "Merry Christmas, Chet."

"Merry Christmas, Sally."

**Author's Note:**

> so yeah, i was stuck in the car for six hours on dec. 27 and did almost nothing but write this the entire way, and had the time of my life writing it. this is The Most Self-Indulgent thing i've ever written, merry christmas to me
> 
> i wanted to upload this before 2017 ended, because i didnt have any new years eve plans, but last minute plans popped up instead, so this is now my first story of 2018! BAYMTGO!
> 
> thanks for reading! kudos and comments are much loved!
> 
> come find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/alinastarkovas) or on [tumblr](https://tanosoka.tumblr.com)!


End file.
